I don't know if I'm closer to God or if i'm drifting farther away. every sunday i sit in church, & every time, i'm greeted with a smile & a "hi, how are you?"

And every time, I respond with a smile and i say my life is going good..blah de blah...and right after the person leaves and the conversation is over, i'm swept over with guilt, & i can't help but think- "what the hell is wrong with me?!"

More than anything, i want to tell someone how i'm really doing- i'm falling apart. i'm suffering mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but i don't have the guts to tell anyone about it. i'm too held back by what could possibly happen if they knew the truth about me. what will they think of me? will they do to me? what will they say about me? i live in an area that's pretty Conservative from a political standing point, & i don't want them to "clobber" me with certain biblical passages, spread rumors about me, or stereotype me any more than i already am.

i'm in no way saying that i don't like going to church, and i don't believe what's in the Bible isn't true, but it often makes me wonder. most Conservatives believe in the general inerracy of the Bible, but i know one thing- humans are fallable, God is not. for the most part, the Bible is more along the lines of a historical record than a dogmatic structure for the Christian faith. if Jesus really is the final sacrifice, then why are men still telling us how to think, and how to live? what is written in the Bible about how to deal with certain sins makes sense however- like how we should save sex until marriage. since women have more to lose emotionally from a sexual encounter than men, and most people who have sex too soon end up regretting it afterwards, and with all the STDs running amok nowadays, it makes sense on why we should. well, it does to me anyway.

on the parts on homosexuality, the original Greek is pornea- which translates to "fornication," which is any sexual act outside of a commited marital relationship. the term "homosexuality" wasn't coined until the 1860s by a Hungarian physician, so it shouldn't even appear in the Bible. and later on, "homosexual offenders" refers to adult males who sexually abuse other people. so is the Bible really condemning consensual sex between two men, or men raping other men? it's all a matter of interpretation. God doesn't hate gays, (S)he hates your hatred toward the gays. what people forget is that homosexual sex outside of a marital relationship is just as much of a sin in God's eyes as premarital sex between two straight people. so why so much hostility towards gays?

as more of a part on the major skewing of the Scripture, the ancient word for witch does not have the same meaning in the Bible as it does today. many Christians believe that the Bible condemns Witchcraft. However, what the practices that biblical passages in the original Hebrew and Greek- condemn are really evil forms of sorcery and murdering people by poisoning. the reason Wicca and other Neo-Pagan religions are condemned is cuz in the Middle Ages, the church created a false religion about "witches" preforming human sacrifice, participating in mass orgies, holding Black Masses (parodies of a Catholic mass in a blashemous manner) and worshiping Satan. this became known as the "Burning Times", when thousands of pagans- as well as anyone else who refused to follow the Christian religion- we executed. simply because Pan, the pagan's horned, goat-footed god of the forest became synonymous with the church's image of Satan. but where in the Bible does it mention Satan as being a goat? he's always refered to as "the Dragon" or "the Ancient Serpent". nothing about a goat. even the Pentagram and Pentacle didn't have satanic leanings until the church's association with a religion that DID NOT EXIST. there is not even any evidence that these alleged "Black Masses" even took place. it was all simply a produce of mass hysteria.

lastly, God is always refered to as "He" or "Lord", when many a theologian has stated that God has no gender. and if man is created in the male God's image, then where did He get the idea for the female human? was she made in the image of God too, or was she just an afterthought? in Genesis, doesn't it sound kinda sketchy when it states "and let US create man in OUR image?" and then it goes on to say "and God created man in His own image, male and female HE created them." if God is neither male nor female, as stated, then why is there such a masculine emphasis? in Proverbs, Wisdom, when literally interpreted, seems to be a type of Goddess, a seperate personality. it also gives Wisdom a feminine voice in Proverbs Chapter 8 and it goes on to say how Wisdom was first of all creation and that She was the "craftsman at his side." (verses 22-31). and the duality of it all, just makes a lot of sense to me. as long have there have been civilizations on earth, people have worshipped both gods and goddesses, and i often wonder why the patriarchal hiearchy of the church has long suppressed Her.

i'm in no way trying to make that sound sexist, because i believe in total equality between men and women, but often it's the men that take charge of things, and they have made the Bible out in ways that it really isn't. they have made the Bible out to say that a woman must submit to all the doings of man and is inferior to him. when it all it means is that the man is the leader of his household, and his wife is his consort and supporter. women were not allowed to speak in the presence of a man unless spoken to, reduced to inferior positions in the church, and were not even allowed to vote in the United States until 1920. i'm not sexist in any way, but what i am against is men thinking women are inferior.

in spiritual matters, that's all i have to say.

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